BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER!
by Melissa Ordesky
Summary: Parody. Sakura is sent to "True Directions" to be re-orientated back to heterosexuality. The problem is, she wasn't gay to begin with. Neither was fellow "TD" victim, Li Syaoran...
1. STEP ONE: Admitting you're a homosexual

**BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER!!!**

Parody. Sakura is sent to "True Directions" to be re-orientated back to heterosexuality. The problem is, she wasn't gay to begin with. Neither was fellow "TD" victim, Li Syaoran.

----

A Card Captor Sakura crossover with the hilarious movie "But I'm A Cheerleader." Neither the film nor CCS belong to me. I'm just playing in the sandpit, and I will return all buckets and spades once I'm done.

-----

**STEP ONE: Admitting you're a homosexual!**

**-----**

Well.

This was confusing and a half.

Not in the confused-about-your-sexuality way, either.

This was a spank-my-ass-and-call-me-Mary kind of confusing.

Sakura held onto her pompoms and suitcases, staring nervously at the very pink house and the guy dressed in tight cycling shorts outside, waving a chainsaw around as if it were a very large - and devestating - palette knife.

The house was very pink.

So was the fence surrounding it.

And the plastic flowers standing skewed in the beds in front of the house.

And the lipstick and clothes of the perfectly-coiffured woman bouncing up to them.

"Hello!" The woman beamed. "My name is Mary, I run True Directions."

"This is Sakura," her dad introduced, pedaling her forwards. Her brother Touya also stood rather menacingly behind her.

Sakura looked fearfully up at the very pink woman. She looked very strict.

"Hello, I am Kinomoto Sakura, and I-"

Mary waved her arms complacently. "You two can go now. I am satisfied that Sakura will fit in splendidly here. We will return her to you straight within a month, following our easy five step programme. Almost guaranteed!" She smiled a too-bright smile. Convinced, Kinomoto Fujitaka swept away, his son following him with a rather guilty looking expression. "Come along! There's a video to watch before you get settled in. Rocky will take your bags to your shared room."

Sakura let out a small squeak of surprise when the rather effeminate boy she'd seen earlier waving the chainsaw like it was a cooking utensil daintily took her bags and swept off into the pink house, his butt swaying as he walked, and an almost contemptuous glance flickered to his mother on his way into the house. Mary lead her into the house, and sat her in front of a video, which played this very-fake story about how a girl had turned to lesbianism, had become a prostitute and drug addict, got turned straight by True Directions and had a fantastic life.

Sakura had nothing against homosexuals, but knew very strongly that she wasn't one. There was this boy, Li Syaoran, who had helped her in her fight to capture the Clow cards, and again to transform them to Sakura cards, and she'd gotten a very strong crush on him. He'd buggered off to Hong Kong, things had quietened down on the magic front, he hadn't been back again since, and she didn't dare admit to anyone that she had a huge crush on the boy she'd thought had been a good friend. _And he hasn't even called or written_, Sakura thought sourly, pretending to watch the video and hoping she wouldn't be quizzed on it later.

Mary popped up after the video had come to its smiley and saccharine end, with the girl being happily married to another "Ex-Gay."

"We run a five step program here, Sakura. Until you pass step one, you will wear these."

A grey hospital gown, tied at the back, was deposited in front of her.

Sakura swallowed loudly.

-----

"And here is where we sleep."

Sakura was being shown around by Ruth, who'd bragged that almost everyone else had arrived yesterday and passed Step One, "apart from this arrogant Chinese brat, who is soooo gay."

She looked in the round room, with its six pink beds. Three girls looked up at Sakura. She pulled the gown tighter around her back.

"On the far left bed, that's Hoshi," Ruth introduced. A small Korean girl waved back, wearing a horrible pink version of some English school uniform, similar to what Ruth was wearing. "Two beds right, that's Ella, and to her right, Brenda." Two blondes waved at them. "They're cousins. _Caught fondling in the barn with each other_," Ruth added in a stage whisper. The two blondes stared and looked angry. Sakura winced.

"Come along," Ruth said, in much the haughty manner of Mary. "There's a meeting in a minute, and you can get passed step one. It's easy."

-----

Famous last words.

Sakura gripped the edge of her seat and looked around the circle. Five pink girls stared at her. Sakura wondered if that verb should be _leered_. The Korean girl, Hoshi, looked like she was even _checking her out_. She shivered, and pulled the gown around herself tighter. Five blue-clad males waved at her.

"Max! Max!" Mary was in the room now, smelling of too-strong perfume and pinker than usual. "Where is that surly boy."

"Li? He'll be sulking outside," a tall, bald African-looking man said. Sakura faintly recognised him from the ambush at home, where Tomoyo, Chiharu, Naoko and Rika accused her of being gay. Then her thoughts went in completely another direction. _Did he just say LI??? Nah... couldn't be._ Her mouth dropped open as none other than a very surly looking Li Syaoran was shepherded in, clad in nothing but a three-quarter length, pretty open at the back, hospital gown. Sakura could see his knees as he grumpily joined the circle and sat down, looking as uncomfortable as Sakura felt about his attire.

He was just as cute as the last time she'd seen him. Those gorgeous eyes, the tousled hair, those strong shoulders... 

Sakura forced her nose not to bleed, and felt a small blush cover her cheeks.

"Sakura?" 

_Oh goddess_, Sakura thought bleakly, her heart thudding dizzyingly against her ribcage. _Same gorgeous velvet voice, too_. Jealousy welled up fiercely as she caught a few of the boys glancing hungrily in his direction.

"Syaoran!" Sakura tried to sound normal, but didn't manage it. Her voice squeaked nervously. He looked embarrassed, and looked away.

"You two know each other?" Mary blinked. "Well, well. Never mind. I hope Syaoran's reluctance to admit the truth has not rubbed off on you, Sakura! Let's go around the circle, around the ones who've already admitted the truth."

The boy on the far left stood up. He had curly blond hair and glasses. "Hi, I'm Sam, I'm English and... I'm a homosexual."

"Bonzo. Spanish. And I'm a homosexual." The Hispanic looking boy said.

A very tall boy with ginger hair stood up. "Hello, I'm Paul, I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Shinji," said an effeminate black-haired boy. "I cry too much, and I'm a homosexual."

Sakura blinked fiercely.

"I'm Cole," the last of the boys said. "I like to have sex with boys, I'm very thoroughly gay and a homosexual."

Sakura blinked again.

"I'm Ruth, Australian, and I'm a homosexual."

"You met me, I'm Hoshi, I'm a homosexual, and I think you're kinda cute."

Mary flinched. "Hoshi! What have I told you about cracking onto the other girls? We only flirt with boys here!"

"Sorry," Hoshi whispered in apology, tipping a wink at Sakura.

"I'm Ella, I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Brenda, and I'm a homosexual."

The last girl arched one eyebrow at Sakura. "I'm a homosexual, and my name is Dale."

"Syaoran?" Mary stared pointedly at a very-uncomfortable Syaoran. "Introduce yourself to Sakura. She will be doing the same. It is for the benefit of the whole room."

Syaoran sighed and gingerly got to his feet. "Hello, I'm Syaoran, I like girls." Groans came from the circle. "A lot! I do!"

"I think he protesteth too much," Bonzo said with a tweak of his nose.

"I agree," Ruth said.

Syaoran sat down with a thump, his arms folded.

"Sakura?"

Sakura looked at Mary, but stayed sat down. "Uh, hello, my name is Sakura. I'm head cheerleader at school, I really love it, and I've been learning martial arts for the last four years." She wondered briefly what their reactions would be if she told them she'd learned them from a flying yellow teddy bear. "And I don't think I should be here!"

"Now come on, Sakura, be reasonable," Mary broke in rapidly. "Why are you here?"

"'Cause my friends and my dad thought I'm gay, but I'm not! I mean, I'm a vegetarian - " 

Lots of shaking heads filled the room. 

"But it's good for you! Kero- I mean, lots of television programs say so. I had a couple of pictures of girls up in my locker, but they were from my friend who designs me clothes, showing me the fabric! I just forgot to take them down, and they were up all year, but-"

More shaking heads.

"And I didn't know Melissa Etheridge and Elton John were gay. I just really like their music!" Sakura looked around the room, upset. Apparently these _were_ all signs of homosexuality, but she _wasn't_, she _couldn't_ be. The way her heart was buzzing just _seeing _Syaoran dispelled any fears she had.

"I mean, I have this huge crush on a guy, and I-"

"Have you told him?" That was from Paul, his voice low and direct.

Sakura shook her head hopelessly.

"It's a lot easier not to tell someone you have a crush on them if you're not sexually attracted to them," Cole said smoothly.

"I-" Sakura's face flooded as pink as the room. They assumed it was because they were right. Sakura knew that it was because the object of her often-fantasies was sat _really_ near her, and probably gay. But then, wasn't it true what they said? All the best guys are?

Sakura looked hopelessly across at Syaoran, and he looked suddenly, fiercely, thoughtful. He whispered under his breath, and Sakura felt the small rush of magic uneasily before the chair lurched beneath her and she tumbled in a heap of naked limbs and material to the ground.

Instantly, Syaoran was there to help her, helping her up and pulling the gown around her and giving her his own chair. As he did so, he managed to whisper something in her ear. "_Let's pretend. The faster we lie, the faster we get out of here."_ Sakura felt hot all over as she sat on the chair, hardly daring to watch as Syaoran fetched another chair.

"Very gentlemanly of you, Syaoran, but that fake straight behaviour is not fooling anyone," Mary said, her voice hard.

"I- I'm sorry. I- I- I-" He swallowed, hard, but tipped a discrete wink at Sakura. "My name is Syaoran and I- I'm a homosexual."

The five boys cheered and whooped. Mary nodded her head. "Glad to finally hear it, Syaoran. Sakura, it looks like you're a good influence on him. I can only hope it can be felt both ways."

Sakura shifted her hands in her lap. "I-" She bit her lip. "Am I really-" she said, hoping the drama classes had paid off and she sounded genuinely worried.

"I'm afraid so, honey," Ella soothed.

"I'm a homosexual," Sakura said, haltingly, her head bowing down. She looked at Syaoran through the bangs that had fallen forwards to obscure her gaze. He looked triumphant, as if they had just scored _one_ against Eriol, like he had so long ago.

"_Well done_," he mouthed to her. The compliment soared to the heights of Sakura's heart. If Syaoran was here too, with the same problem as her, then maybe she could get through it all.

-----

**Coming next... STEP TWO.**


	2. STEP TWO: Rediscover your sexual identit...

**BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER!!!**

Parody. Sakura is sent to "True Directions" to be re-orientated back to heterosexuality. The problem is, she wasn't gay to begin with. Neither was fellow "TD" victim, Li Syaoran.

----

A Card Captor Sakura crossover with the hilarious movie "But I'm A Cheerleader." Neither the film nor CCS belong to me. I'm just playing in the sandpit, and I will return all buckets and spades once I'm done.

-----

**STEP TWO: Rediscover your sexual identity**

**-----**

"Rediscover our sexual identity," Ella fumed, scrubbing the floor in vertical up-and-down motions like Mary had repeatedly shown them. "Getting us to scrub her floor for free, more like."

Sakura looked up at the blonde from her position near the door. The pink rubber gloves and pink apron were a bit restrictive, but nothing in step two was really all that tough. They'd practised changing nappies, wearing make-up, sitting properly wearing a dress and now cleaning. Nothing too strenuous, like the boys were doing outside. 

_Chopping wood. _After shrugging sympathetically at Ella, not wanting to get on anyone's bad sides even if she didn't agree with their point of view, Sakura turned back to her patch of floor and her nice view of the woodpile outside. Where Syaoran was sweating but in a very handsome way as he chopped wood. The other boys in the group were staring pointedly at Syaoran. _Hands off, bitches_, Sakura thought rebelliously, scrubbing furiously at the carpet in anger. _He's mine_.

Blinking, Sakura thought over what she'd just said. _Mine?_ Sure, she'd known him the longest. But if he was here at True Directions, maybe he really _was_ gay, and then Syaoran would only be hers after some major surgery that Sakura wasn't quite sure she'd be able to go through for him. Sure, she had that big crush on him. _Still_ had. But that didn't mean he could even return the feelings!

Syaoran had moved away and Bonzo stepped up. He was quite attractive but not as cute or hot or mentally un-dress-able as Syaoran. Sakura stifled a giggle as the rather camp Hispanic boy grabbed the axe and flung it girlishly into the air, leaving the other boys to run for cover. Cole and Paul were gripping onto each other as if the world was ending.

Turning back to the carpet, she discovered she'd continue her furious scrubbing of the carpet, and Mary was looking down approvingly.

"Nice work, Sakura. Look, girls, Sakura's done this perfectly. You could all learn from her."

"I'd bet," Hoshi said, her voice a low mock-growl. Sakura's eyes widened in terror and Mary scowled at Hoshi.

"I will not suffer inappropriate behaviour any more, Wu," Mary threatened.

"Sorry, Ms. Brown." Hoshi mock-curtseyed.

"Apology accepted," Mary said stiffly, her gaze warming slightly when Hoshi performed the genuflection well. She pierced them all with a fixing glance. "Right, girls, time to wash your hands and go to dinner. And remember, we're sitting-"

"Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl," Brenda and Dale chanted together, sharing an amused glance and giggle. Sakura saw a flicker of energy between them and felt a blush rise on her face. _They'd look kind of cute together, I suppose_, she reflected. _If you go in for that kind of thing_. She pulled the gloves off her hand, the rubber snapping and hurting her hand as she tried to do it quickly. _Oh, jeez, I know I'm not gay, but maybe this _place _turns you gay..._ she thought dejectedly.

Hanging the apron on the appropriate hook, she filed out with the rest of the girls, washing her hands at the sink and feeling her stomach lurch beneath her. _Syaoran's going to be there_, she thought dizzily. Every day, for the last week, the same thought still produced the same thing. She walked expectantly into the dining room, feeling dizzy as he looked at her with a very friendly look and a smile. Fighting down the blush, she walked over and sat between Syaoran and Cole, grinning at him.

"How was your day?"

Syaoran shrugged. "Lots of fun stuff, really. Wood chopping, football, learnt how to fix a car and played paintball. Much more fun than school any day."

"Seems you had more fun than me. We did home economics all day, pretty much. I'm all for changing a baby when I have an actual baby, but those dolls are _scary!_ I swear. They pee ink." Sakura pulled a face.

"So you want children?" Syaoran asked, putting his head to one side. "I think you'd make a wonderful mother."

Sakura couldn't stop the instant blush. "Th-th-thanks, Syaoran."

"God, if you two flirt any harder I'm going to throw up." That was from Cole, and Sakura and Syaoran stared at him with wide eyes and red cheeks.

"WE'RE NOT FLIRTING!" Sakura yelled, and then realised she'd yelled it at the same time as Syaoran.

"Someone protesteth too much," Cole murmured. "Honestly, you two. Kinda thick, aren't you?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" Sakura was pretty certain she was the only one who screamed that, as she stamped on his foot. 

Cole winced. "SMEG! You've got one hard stomp and a half! Maybe you_ aren't_ really straight like some of us were beginning to suspect."

Sakura glowered. "My brother calls me a monster. I have practised my stomping on him. I'm not a monster!"

"Suuuuuure you're not."

That was from Syaoran, who was still looking rather pinkish.

Sakura balled her fist in warning.

Syaoran shut up abruptly.

"Come on, spill it," Ruth said from the other side of the table. "Where _do _you two know each other from?"

"School," Syaoran explained. "I was an exchange student from China, and was sent to Sakura's school."

"Yup," Sakura added. "And at first we didn't really get one. Syaoran was stiff and called me weak and pathetic."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"You did _too_. Remember with the- y'know- and everything."

Syaoran looked at her blankly. "The _what_ and everything."

Sakura folded her arms. "The you know whats."

"The I know _ohhhhhhh...._ The I-know-whats," Syaoran said, realising she meant the cards. "God, I was the monster back then."

"Don't I know it," Sakura said primly. "And then we sort of... became friends, I guess."

"More than friends," Syaoran said, eliciting a few suggestive whistles and nudges. "_Noooo, _you perverts-"

"You talkin' to me?" Paul joked as he interrupted.

"Ha, ha," Syaoran continued. "No, we- I guess we were sort of co-workers." He shrugged at Sakura.

"Then I got this big huge raging crush on him then, and he buggered off to China and never wrote or anything," Sakura finished, shrugging back. "No big deal."

_CRASH!!!!_

Syaoran's eyes had bugged out and he'd fallen off his chair.

"Graceful, Li," Shinji said, reaching over and hi-fiving Sam.

"_He's _the boy you had a crush on?" Ruth said disbelievingly as Syaoran made it back onto his chair, red-faced. "The boy you're not sexually attracted to?"

_CRASH!!!!_

Syaoran had fallen off again.

"You assumed that 'cause I'm a homosexual," Sakura protested, the words feeling silly. Her cheeks were red hot and she couldn't believe what she'd said. To be honest, it was the feeling in her stomach that had driven her to the edge. One more day around Syaoran and she'd have... Well, she wasn't quite sure whether she would have jumped on, kissed or killed him. All three had their attractions.

"_Children_," Mary breathed as she came into the room followed by the cook and a tray-on-wheels with their dinners on. "What were those awful crashes?"

"Sakura grabbed Syaoran's crotch and he fell off in surprise," Bonzo lied glibly. Mary turned in astonishment to the very-red pair.

"Syaoran, you should be more graceful. Sakura, I'm glad this program is working well for you," Mary said. "But please leave any future heterosexual groping to more appropriate places."

Syaoran and Sakura flushed an even deeper crimson.

Dinner commenced with only idle chatter, small talk and the like, as the sound of cutlery clattering and crunches filled the air. Sakura ate the meat with some relish, as Kero had disallowed her meat after reading an article on the benefits of vegetarianism. God, she'd missed it. After finishing her meal, she took her orange juice and held onto the glass with both hands. Glancing up quickly, she caught Hoshi's glance. The small Korean tipped another wink at her. Pulling a face, Sakura concentrated fiercely on her juice and didn't look up. Consequently, she missed the end, everyone else milling off to rest for half an hour or call home before evening activities. A small squeak escaping her throat, she jumped off the chair and headed for the door outside to get some fresh air to cool her heated cheeks.

As she put her hand out to the cool metal of the handle, a hand suddenly snapped around her wrist. She turned, startled, to meet amber eyes, glaring fiercely at her. Sakura's mouth suddenly went dry, and it was all she could to stay stood up.

"Did you mean it?" His voice was forced and his skin was white, pale as driven snow as the cliché said, taut and unnerved. "What you said?"

Sakura opened her mouth and then closed it, unable to form the words. Dismayed, she hung her head, feeling pressure well up behind her eyes. _Gods, don't let me cry now_... she pleaded, but her plea remained unanswered. She nodded as tears started to streak down her cheek. "Don't be mad," Sakura said breathlessly. "I'm desperately hoping you don't hate me as it is, let alone contending with the whole _gay_ thing and the no letters thing and-"

"I don't hate you." Syaoran's voice was smooth, and he moved his hand from her wrist to light under her jaw like a bird, soft and tender. "I'm not gay. And I wasn't allowed to write to you because Mother thought I was too close to the Card Mistress. Too close to the girl who humiliated the legacy of our family."

"Then you do hate me," Sakura managed to scrape out despite her tears.

Syaoran shook his head fiercely, messing his chocolate-brown hair up even further as he did so. "_No_," he said roughly, so firmly that it made Sakura blink. Her vision cleared slightly. His eyes were on hers, large and concerned, so beautiful it made her heart ache. They were bigger than she remembered before he left, she thought vaguely, until she realised they weren't. He was coming closer. She could feel his breath on her own skin, ghosting like the touch of an imaginary lover, the heat tantalizing her, making her skin cry out for more, for contact, for his hands, his lips, _anything_.

His hand was still on her chin, forceful, his fingers feeling cold on her hot face. His face inched inexorably closer, and Sakura felt her burning eyes flitter closed, her breath mingling with his in the small space between them. The pain was exquisite as they hung suspended in the moment.

"I have a crush on you too," Syaoran whispered, his lips so close to Sakura's that they brushed hers _oh_ so slightly as he talked. She couldn't feel the pressure on her chin any more, and she kept her eyes closed shut for a long second, letting her skin recall the sensations. She could still feel his lips moving in the whisper, flickering so barely against hers that it was torture.

But when she opened her eyes, he had gone. 

-----

**Coming next... STEP THREE.**

**Why did Syaoran leave?**

**Will we ever find out who put him in True Directions?**

**Will Sakura be able to lie to her father and say she _is_** **a homosexual??**

**And will those two EVER KISS?????**

**Find out next time, in BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER!!!**


End file.
